Somewhere around the age of three or four, many children discover that a single word can stop a dinner table in its tracks. "Poo" in the middle of a family meal. "Bum" shouted halfway through a song. "You're a smelly toilet!" announced to Grandma. Then come the giggles and the repeats, along with a look that says they know exactly what they are doing.

Toilet talk is one of the most common phases of early childhood, and one of the most effective at winding up parents. The good news is that it is a normal stage of development. How you respond makes a big difference to how long it lasts.

Why toilet words are so appealing

They have only just mastered the toilet. Toilet training is recent for many children, and it was a very big deal. Poo and wee have been the subject of enormous adult attention for months, so of course they are interesting.

They are discovering the power of words. Preschoolers are working out that language does more than ask for things. Words can make people laugh or gasp, and they can make a grown-up cross. Testing that power is part of learning how language works.

It is funny to them. Preschool humour is built on surprise and on things turning up in the wrong place. A rude word at a polite moment is about the funniest thing a four-year-old can imagine.

It gets a reaction. A shocked face or a laugh from an older sibling is very rewarding for a child. Even a telling-off is attention.

It builds friendships. Toilet jokes often spread among friends at preschool. Laughing together at the same silly word is one of the ways young children bond.

Sorting rude words into types

It helps to sort the language into types, because each one calls for a slightly different response.

Silly toilet words like poo and bum are mostly harmless. The aim here is to teach when and where they are acceptable, rather than to stamp them out completely.

Swear words picked up from older children or videos are different. Your child probably has no idea what the word means. What they do know is that it is powerful.

Unkind words, whether toilet-flavoured or not, are about hurting someone. "You're a poo-head" aimed at a crying sibling is an unkindness problem first and a language problem second.

A calm plan for toilet talk

Keep your reaction small

The single most effective thing you can do is make the word boring. A big laugh or a big reaction tells your child they have found something powerful. Try a flat response and carry on with what you were doing. Many children lose interest within a couple of weeks once the reaction dries up.

Give it a place

Banning words entirely can make them more exciting. Instead, try giving toilet talk a time and a place. "Toilet words are for the toilet. If you want to say them, you can go to the bathroom and say them as much as you like." Most children try it once, find it much less fun without an audience, and come back.

Teach public and private

Young children can learn that some words are fine at home but not at the table or in front of guests. Keep the rule short and easy to remember: "We don't use toilet words at mealtimes."

Use the correct words too

Children benefit from knowing the proper names for body parts and bodily functions. Using plain, correct terms calmly at home takes away some of the mystery. It also makes it easier for your child to tell you or a teacher if something is wrong.

Share the joke at the right moment

Not all toilet humour has to be shut down. A silly picture book at bedtime shows your child that you have a sense of humour too, and that there are times for being silly. Laughing together at a funny story is very different from laughing at a rude word shouted at a guest.

When it is a swear word

Swear words need a slightly different approach, because they cause more trouble out in the world.

  • Stay calm and neutral. A dramatic gasp is exactly the reaction that makes a word memorable.
  • Explain briefly. "That's a grown-up word that can upset people. We don't use it."
  • Offer a replacement. Some families invent their own silly exclamation for frustration, like "Oh, fish fingers!" Children often enjoy using it.
  • Look at where it came from. If a word keeps coming back, check what your child is hearing. Sometimes the source is a video. Sometimes it turns out to be an adult who mutters something when another car cuts in on the CTE.
  • Avoid making it a big secret. Children who know a word is forbidden are often keen to share it with friends at school.

When it is unkind

If the word is being used to hurt, focus on the unkindness. "Calling Ethan a poo-head made him sad. In our family we don't call people names." Then help your child repair it, perhaps by checking on Ethan or helping him with something.

Name-calling often comes from frustration or anger. Help your child find other words for that feeling: "You're cross that he took your car. You can say, 'I'm cross, give it back.'" Over time, children who have words for their feelings need insults less.

What about at school?

Toilet words travel between home and school in both directions, and children frequently pick them up from friends. Preschool teachers are very used to this phase. If your child's teacher mentions it, or your child comes home with a new word, a quick chat helps you both use the same approach. Consistency between home and school tends to shorten the phase.

When to be concerned

Toilet talk on its own is rarely a worry. It is worth a conversation with your paediatrician if your child seems unusually preoccupied with bodies or private parts, or describes things that worry you. The same applies if the language comes alongside other changes, such as new fears, toileting accidents after a long dry spell, or a noticeable change in mood or sleep. Trust your instincts and ask.

It does pass

For most children, toilet talk fades as they get older and find other ways to be funny and feel powerful. Jokes get more elaborate as their word play develops, and eventually the dinner table gets its peace back.

In the meantime, try to keep a straight face and simple rules. Save your laughter for the moments when your child is funny in other ways, because those are the moments you want to encourage.

At Shaws

Children at Shaws have plenty of chances to be expressive and silly in the right places. Drama and music both have regular slots on the weekly timetable. Stories and songs run through the day in English and Mandarin. Our teachers talk with children about the behaviour expected for their age group and work closely with parents if anything needs attention. If you would like to see a Shaws classroom in action, book a tour, or get in touch with any questions about daily life at our campuses.