Naming Feelings: Giving Preschoolers the Words for What They Feel

A three-year-old who has no word for "disappointed" has to show it some other way. That might mean lying face down on the supermarket floor, or throwing a cup across the kitchen. A great deal of what looks like bad behaviour in young children is a big feeling with nowhere to go.

Giving children a vocabulary for their emotions is one of the most useful things parents can do in the preschool years. It helps children understand what is happening inside them and tell you about it. Over time, it also helps them settle themselves down. It costs nothing at all, and it fits into conversations you are already having.

Why words help

When children can name a feeling, several things change. They can ask for help ("I'm scared of the dog") instead of just clinging or crying. They start to recognise the early signs of a feeling before it boils over. They also begin to make sense of other people's feelings, which is where empathy starts.

There is interesting research behind the idea that naming a feeling helps to settle it. A 2007 study from the University of California, Los Angeles, published in the journal Psychological Science, found that when adults put a word to the emotion shown in a picture, activity fell in the amygdala, a part of the brain involved in emotional reactions. That study was done with adults. It still matches what parents and teachers see every day, which is that a child who feels understood usually calms down faster.

How feelings vocabulary grows

Toddlers usually start with the big, simple ones. Happy and sad come first. Cross and scared usually follow. Our own age-by-age guide to life skills lists naming a simple feeling as something many two-year-olds are working on.

As children grow, they can learn more precise words:

• Frustrated when something is hard or will not work.
• Disappointed when something they hoped for did not happen.
• Worried about something that might happen later.
• Embarrassed when other people saw them make a mistake.
• Jealous when someone else has something they want.
• Proud when they have worked hard at something.
• Lonely when they want company and cannot find it.
• Excited, a big fizzy feeling that can look a lot like being upset.

Precise words matter because different feelings need different responses. A frustrated child usually needs help with the problem in front of them, while a disappointed child mostly needs comfort. If you can tell which one you are dealing with, you can respond to the right thing.

Name it when you see it

The most effective teaching happens in the moment, during ordinary life. When you notice a feeling, say what you see in a few plain words and without judgement:

• "You're frustrated. That puzzle piece won't go in."
• "You look disappointed that the playground is closed today."
• "You're so excited your body can't keep still!"
• "I think you're feeling left out because they started playing without you."

You do not need to be certain. If you get it wrong, children often correct you ("I'm not sad, I'm ANGRY"), and that correction is the skill in action.

Keep it short when your child is very upset. A child in the middle of a meltdown cannot take in a long explanation. Name the feeling and stay close, then talk more once the storm has passed.

Name your own feelings too

Children learn as much from hearing how you handle your feelings as from anything you say about theirs. Narrating your own emotions, at a level that suits a young child, is very effective:

• "I'm feeling frustrated because the lift is so slow. I'm going to take a big breath."
• "I was worried when I couldn't see you in the shop. I feel so relieved now."
• "I feel proud of myself for fixing that drawer."

This shows children that adults have feelings too. It also shows that feelings come and go, and that there are things you can do about them.

Accept the feeling, guide the behaviour

Naming a feeling does not mean anything goes. All feelings are acceptable, although not all behaviour is. You can be warm about the feeling and firm about the limit at the same time:

"You're angry that your brother knocked your tower down. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit. You can stamp your feet or tell him, 'I'm angry!'"

Children who hear this often enough begin to learn that they can have a big feeling and still choose what to do with it. That is one of the most valuable lessons of the early years, and it takes a long time to learn.

Games that build feelings words

Feelings vocabulary also grows through play at times when nobody is upset and there is room to think.

Read and pause. Picture books are full of emotions. Stop now and then to ask how a character is feeling and how your child can tell. Look closely at faces and body language in the pictures.

Mirror faces. Take turns making a happy face, then a surprised face, then a worried one, in front of a mirror. Try to guess each other's.

Feelings charades. Act out a feeling using only your body, and see if your child can guess it. Then swap.

Dinner check-in. At dinner or bedtime, everyone shares one feeling from their day and what caused it. Parents go first, which helps a lot.

Pretend play. When your child plays with dolls or toy animals, ask how the characters feel. "The dinosaur fell over. How does he feel? What could his friends do?"

Draw it. Ask your child to draw how they feel using colours and shapes. Some children find it easier to show a feeling than to say it.

Notice the body clues

Young children often feel emotions in their body before they can name them. Helping them notice these clues is a good next step:

• "When you're angry, your face might get hot. Your hands might want to squeeze."
• "When you're worried, your tummy might feel funny."
• "When you're tired, little things can feel very big."

With practice, recognising these signals helps children ask for help or take a break before things boil over.

When to ask for advice

Every child has big feelings, and meltdowns are a normal part of being three or four. Talk to your paediatrician if your child's emotions seem unusually intense or frequent for their age, or if they rarely seem to enjoy things. It is also worth asking if your child seems anxious much of the time, or if their behaviour is getting in the way of family life or friendships.

Feelings at Shaws

Our life skills map runs from toddlers naming simple feelings through to Kindergarten 1, when children work on recognising and naming more complex ones. The weekly timetable includes daily circle time and regular drama sessions, which give children regular chances to share their news and act out stories with their friends. If you would like to see how our teachers support children's social and emotional growth, book a tour or send us an enquiry. We are happy to talk through how your child might settle in.