Quick answer: praise the effort, the strategy and the specific thing you noticed, not the child's fixed qualities. "You kept trying different pieces until it fitted" builds persistence. "You are so clever" quietly teaches a child that being clever is the thing at stake, and that failing would put it at risk.
Every parent says good job. It is automatic, it is well meant, and on its own it is harmless.
What is worth understanding is that praise is not one thing. Some kinds build children who take on hard tasks. Other kinds build children who avoid them.
The problem with praising the person
When a child hears you are so smart or you are such a good artist, they receive a label. Labels feel wonderful, and they come with a hidden cost: the child now has something to protect.
The next time a task looks difficult, there is a risk attached. If they try and struggle, the label may not survive. The safest move is to stick to things they already do well, and that is exactly the instinct we do not want to build at four.
Research on this is fairly consistent. Children praised for ability tend to choose easier tasks afterwards, give up sooner when things get hard, and are more discouraged by mistakes. Children praised for effort and strategy do the opposite.
What to say instead
The general shape is: notice something specific, describe it, and keep the focus on what the child did.
- Instead of "good job", try "you carried that all the way by yourself".
- Instead of "you are so clever", try "you worked that out. What made you try turning it round?"
- Instead of "beautiful drawing", try "you have used so many different blues in the sky".
- Instead of "you are so kind", try "you noticed he was upset and you went to get him".
- Instead of "good boy", try "you waited for your turn even though it was hard".
Notice that none of these are more effusive. Several are less. What they have in common is that they prove you were paying attention, and attention is what the child is really after.
The most underrated response is a question
Very often the best reply to a child holding up a painting is not praise at all.
"Tell me about it." "What was the tricky bit?" "How did you make that shape?"
This does three useful things. It gives the child ownership of their own work rather than making your opinion the point. It produces language, often quite a lot of it. And it lets you find out what they were actually trying to do, which is regularly nothing like what you assumed.
Praise the process, especially the failures
The most valuable praise in early childhood is often attached to things that did not work.
"That tower fell over four times and you built it again." "You did not know how to do that and you asked for help." "You were really frustrated and you stayed with it."
Children who hear this learn that struggle is a normal part of doing something, rather than evidence that they are not good at it. That belief is worth more than any specific skill they will acquire before six.
When praise is not the tool
Some situations call for something other than praise.
When a child is upset, comfort and naming the feeling work. Praise does not.
When they have done something ordinary, a simple acknowledgement is enough. Not everything needs celebrating, and a child who is applauded for putting on their own shoes at five may reasonably wonder why that is impressive.
When you disagree with the outcome, be honest. Empty praise for work a child knows is rushed teaches them that your opinion is not worth much. "You finished that quickly. Is it how you wanted it?" is more respectful than a false compliment.
When the goal is repair, help them fix it rather than praising the apology.
A note on rewards
Stickers and treats work in the short term for specific, finite goals such as a fortnight of toilet training. They are less useful as a general system.
The reason is that a reward shifts the reason for doing something from inside to outside. A child who tidies up for stickers tends to stop tidying up when the stickers stop. If you use them, keep them narrow, keep them time-limited, and pair them with the specific description of what the child did, so that something remains when the sticker chart comes down.
What this sounds like in our classrooms
Visitors sometimes notice that our teachers say good job less than they expect. What they do instead is describe.
"You have made a really long bridge." "You two worked out that problem together." "You were stuck and you kept going."
It is a small linguistic shift and it changes the room. Children come to show you what they have done rather than to collect a verdict, and they keep going for longer because the point of the activity is the activity.
That is the whole aim: a child who tries hard things because trying is interesting, not because someone will clap.
Shaws Preschool has been building persistence and confidence through play across the East Coast and Serangoon since 1989. Come and hear how our teachers talk with children: book a tour.
